Indiana Jones and the Great Betrayal

OK, I know this is old news since the movie came out in May, 2008. But as the best Indiana Jones fan in history, I need to be on the record about this. And it should be my first post.

Let me first state my credentials:
- As a child, I watched Raiders (RLA) Temple of Doom (TD) and Last Crusade (LC) literally almost every day. Then after I had access to Last Crusade (LC)
- Also as a child, I would carry a pouch (yes, it was an old purse, but what did I know) with rocks inside. I also created my own Hovito idol and grail diary, and fashioned a whip from an old clothesline.
- My grandfather, humoring my obsession, installed swinging rope in their home, and it was not a passing fancy like other childhood projects (i.e. treehouse) I would swing on this almost daily as well, while acting out scenes from the film. And yes, I would carry my pouch and rocks while doing it.
- I can recite virtually every single line of the first three movies verbatim, including the character's voices and inflections. I can also do the sound effects.
- When I was 5 years old, I saw the Last Crusade in theatres, and it's one of my first solid memories as a human being. I remember jumping in my seat when Indy fell through the floor during the Jehovah test. Whoops, make that Iehovah, because in the Latin alphabet, Jehovah begins with an I. See what I mean?
- I am also a movie aficionado and knowledgeable in their methods of production and artistry.
My collection isn't as large as many would think, but it's quality. (There are a few guilty pleasures, like Teen Wolf, but what can ya do?)
- I took off work to see Crystal Skull in the theatres - twice. I bought two tickets, with the assumption it was going to be at least halfway decent.

Now that that crap's out of the way, let's get on to the meat.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was a betrayal of my childhood, because in all objectivity, it was a rotten movie. Here are some of the reasons why the movie blew.Spoilers alert! Don't read on if you don't want to know some things.

1. The awful script.

This is most evident during the opening sequence at Area 51 and Doom Town. First of all, Indy's lines during this entire sequence are A) contrived B) out of place or C) unnecessary. You can also tell they're all over-dubbed. David Koepp wrote a lousy script. It was a fan script, just like he promised to avoid. However, what kind of fan the script was written for remains to be seen. Indy has such classics as "drop dead...comrade" (contrived) "c'mon, c'mon" while driving a truck (unnecessary, especially considering the long truck sequence in Raiders where he had no lines for 10 minutes, and didn't need to have any; and "Sure, don't wait for me!" (out of place, and awful). Also, during the warehouse scene, after he swings, misses his target and flies back into a truck, he delivers another unnecessary line "Damn, I thought that was closer!"

Before he spat out the line, his bewildered facial expression was perfect, and all that was necessary. The same goes for Doom Town when he realizes it's a test site. He says: "This can't be good. This can't be good at all." On top of being redundant and overused, the line was pointless. Again, his perfect facial expression was satisfactory. This is a result of bad directing and bad screenwriting. The script gives no credit to the audience and has to point out EVERYTHING. (like when Indy is talking about his father and Marcus, and literally points to their pictures on his desk to identify them. How unnatural, and obvious.

Also, at the end of the movie, after a freakin flying saucer lifts up and flies away and the entire temple area floods, the only thing that can pop into Indy's mind is more exposition. "The word for gold translates into treasure. (Oh, now he suddenly remembers) Their treasure was knowledge. Knowledge was their treasure." On top of being a really gay treasure, did he need to say it twice? Plus, the characters have just seen a flying saucer, and they sit back like nothing happened. Indy even pats his lap for Marion to come sit on it. What is this, the family get-together after Thanksgiving dinner? And Indy says to Mutt, "somewhere, your grandpa is laughing." Wow. Hey Koepp!!! WE GOT THE PARALLEL! YOU DON'T HAVE TO RAM IT DOWN OUR THROATS!

70% of the dialogue in the film is exposition. This makes for a very boring movie. Any decent script doesn't need so much exposition to explain itself. It should unfold before your eyes. Indy and Mutt basically follow in the footsteps of some old man who had done it all before. How is that exciting? If we know the old man survived, where's the danger for Indy and Mutt? It doesn't exist, and it shows.

2. The CGI groundhogs. Too much cutesy George Lucas shit. Lucas should be banned from any future production of any sort - forever. He's completely lost it.

3. "Nuke the Fridge" has replaced "Jump the shark" as a phrase describing something too over the top,even for fantasy standards. Watch it and you'll see what I mean. This is ridiculous, even for Indy. Besides standard movie exaggerations, all fantastical elements of the Indy films had a spirituality behind them, and therefore an excuse for their over-the-top nature (ripping out a heart during a sacrificial ritual) But the nuclear bomb (Indy also calls it a "nucular bomb", which is another gripe) has no such excuse. It's just absurd.

4. The graveyard scene. It was too short, and poorly thought out. Dudes in masks attack Indy and Mutt, which is cool, but once they're thwarted (and left alive and in perfect health) they don't come back? Do they just go watch television while Indy and Mutt raid the artifacts room?

They also toned down the movie for wimpy kids. Indy pulls out his gun to threaten one of the guards, but doesn't shoot him? He just lets him go? What the??! Did Spielberg, Lucas, and Ford even see the Cairo swordsman scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark? Indy's a sensible guy, and he would shoot the SOB. Lame, lame, lame.

5. Marion. Her return felt like an appearance on a reunion TV show, as all semblance to her original character was lost. She was a freakin soccer mom in this movie. In Raiders, she won a drinking contest and almost punched a Nazi. In this movie, she bugs Mutt during a swordfight to "repose! repose!" and calls him "young man!" Give me a break.

Plus, Indy and Marion's relationship re-develops in literally 10 minutes. In one scene they're bickering, and in the next, she's already saying "yes dear". It's as if David Koepp wrote that as a note to come back to later. Unfortunately, it never happened.

6. Mac. On top of his character not even being developed (which is a cardinal sin) he was completely unnecessary in the film. This bogs the movie down considerably. Plus, I couldn't understand what he said half the time.

7. Oxley. He was the old guy who had done all this crystal skull stuff before, and he survived. His character's sole purpose was exposition, which he spits out (perfectly timed of course) in a delusional daze, which magically disappears once the aliens leave. But Oxley's inclusion in the first place hurt the film. Indy's movements seem perfunctory, as they're basically following in SOMEONE ELSE'S footsteps. There is no uncharted territory, and thus no excitement.

8. Harrison Ford. He has a few decent lines that are also well-delivered. But overall, he bugged the hell out of me. He should've known the character better than anyone, but he let Indy be ruined by ridiculous lines.

9. Mutt's amazing abilities. He can swordfight while standing on moving trucks! He can look at a monkey and suddenly become king of the jungle! Cmon.

10. The music. It was ok, and it served its purpose, but it's certainly not as memorable as the first three, and adds no character to the movie.

Basically, this movie seemed like nothing more than an attempt by the Indy trio to use a beloved character as their plaything to make money. Unfortunately, they just raped the character.

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I could go on with things I hate, but just to show you that I'm objective, I want to mention some things that were classic Indy.

1. The chase scene through the college campus. Indy diving into one side of car from a Mutt's motorcycle, punching the guys inside while Mutt swings around the car, and Indy popping out the other side of the car onto Mutt's waiting motorcycle is pure Indy. It's amusing, and it makes sense within the scene.

2. Marion's one saving grace: Inside the truck, she flashes a grin after Indy says "They all [his women] had one problem. They weren't you, honey." Classic Marion.

3. Indy's line "I knew you for years, Ox, and you were never this interesting."

4. The brawl with Dovchenko (even though as a director, Spielberg missed the mark by only showing half the fight) What you do see is great though. And they kept the great punching sound effects.

5. Irina Spalko. Unfortunately, her character didn't get enough to do. Cate Blanchett did the best acting job in the movie, despite having little to work with.

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Now it's out there. I'll probably add more to this as time goes by, but for the mean time, I've stated my peace.

Apparently, Lucas is planning another Indy movie. For the record, unless they have me as an advisor and script supervisor, they should not do it. I don't want them screwing Indy up anymore than they already did. They should've treated the series like the Ark - don't touch it.